Guilt

Dream

I have decided to commit murder. I want to know how easy it will be and if I will get away with it. It's completely premeditated. I'll pick up a friend and take her for a drive in the hills. I'll 'accidentally' go off road and plunge us into the sea below. Because I am aware, I'll be able to escape drowning easily. So I go through with my plans and deliberately swerve off road, successfully leaving my friend in the car at the bottom of the ocean.

I tell my partner and he is impressed that I have pulled this off. Now I need to report the 'accident' to the authorities but I put it off. I need more time to gather my story and make it look more accidental - like return to the scene and dent some road rails etc. It has been a few days but nobody is aware she is missing and it goes unreported. She has just competed in the olympics and people assume she is celebrating somewhere.

I suddenly realise the gravity of my actions, how if I am caught my daughter will be motherless if I go to jail. My partner tells me he will help remove my identity from the internet to keep a low profile. More time goes on and nothing happens. I start feeling guilty at what I have done. Why did I do this? I am a horrible person and can't forgive myself. How can I live with myself? Will my partner stay with me or think differently of me? I don't deserve to be around innocents and feel unworthy around others. The guilt takes over and marks my soul. I decide I will need to come clean but not yet. In ten years when my daughter is older I will turn myself in and plan for that day. Meanwhile the car and body remain underwater. I am worried about my punishment not only on Earth but moreso the afterlife.

Every so often I wake in relief that this is just a dream only to submerge back into the dream and guilt.

Photo by Ehsan Eslami on Unsplash

Dream notes and associations

No immediate or obvious connections to guilt or premeditated murder. I have been feeling a little murderous towards my challenging threenager lately (haha) and then feeling guilty for losing my temper.

My feelings throughout the dream and on awakening

Curiosity in the beginning, then trepidation and guilt. Feeling unworthiness for what I had done.

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Maria
8 months ago

Hi Martina,

It’s interesting to me that in the dream the dream ego wants to kill a part of itself (could it be a part of its beliefs or attitudes?) but what stops it from doing so is the fear that the relationship with the daughter or feminine part of self may be left rudderless. I wonder if this is an excuse or not from its part… It seems to me that the dream ego fears that as a result it will self impose some barriers due to inaction (jail). I am tempted to think of a self-sabotaging attitude of the dream ego here.. Feeling perhaps guilt so that it won’t take the risk of changing. This is how I would think of it if this were my dream…

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Dream Therapist
Martina Kocian
8 months ago
Reply to  Maria

Thanks so much for your insightful perspective Maria. It has really hit home the guilt and questions surrounding worth I am feeling about my current decision to not work full time (aka jail!) due to raising a little one (I also wonder whether this could be an excuse) but have plans to take on additional work when she is school age. Another strong emotion that surfaced while working with this dream is the urge not to fail her. Some complex emotions to sit with!

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