An erotic dream
I am visiting Nicole (Dietitian) at the dr's surgery. I have stripped down to my underpants to be weighed and measured. The figures are good, I have lost a lot of weight and my girth is greatly reduced. We are both excited by this. Nicole gives me a big hug to congratulate me and I become sexually aroused. Nicole can feel me becoming erect and she looks at the bulge in my underpants. She takes her clothes off and I remove my underpants and we have passionate sex. You are also in the room and you are naked as well. You are using embodied imagination to analyse the dream. I then go and revisit lots of erotic dreams that I have shared with you over the years. It feels like being hit by a succession of waves at the beach. It was an intensely erotic experience and you are there with me all the way. And you were the only person in the dream that I didn't have sex with.
Image by Keaten Chancellor on unsplash
Dream notes and associations
After trying to upload the cowboy boots dream onto the site, and before going to bed, other dreams started to pop into my head. The hand job was one. I also made a connection between waiting for Martina and one of the earlier dreams I posted on dreamcubator, I just can't remember which one. After going to bed, I fell into a deep sleep and had this intensely erotic dream.
I have had a number of Dreams where you are analysing them in the dream. I can remember one where I am lying naked in bed having an erotic dream and you are standing at the end of the bed analysing my dream as it happened. You were overdressed. At the end of the dream Penny dies and you get into bed with me still fully dressed. Well you weren't overdressed in this one. I'm sure you were wearing high-heeled boots. Is that a reference to cowboy boots?
My feelings throughout the dream and on awakening
The dream felt very erotic. I woke up from the dream in a very beautiful and intimate space from having shared this dream and the other dreams with you. I have previously I have mentioned to you that sometimes it feels like I am stripping off in front of you and exposing my shame to you. Well this dream reminds me that it is a very intimate space that you and I enter when I share my dreams with you and that can be a beautiful space, although, sometimes, it can feel difficult to be there. I further realised that, back when I was a teenager, if I hadn't been sexually abused, then I wouldn't have ever sought you out, I would never have had, or shared all those dreams with you. It still doesn't change the nature of those acts against me but have to weigh up the fact that I would have missed on all those intimate interactions with you sharing my dreams with you. It has been an amazing journey. If I had my life over again, would I change anything? Which reminds me of Lara's comment how would I feel if these men ignored me instead of raping and abusing me? Which I think relates to the previous dream where the dream character is conflicted about wearing his boots, that he is proud of, while performing.
Dear Lindsay, I’m so touched by this post. I acknowledge how difficult it must be for you at times and feel privileged to be on this journey with you. Thank you also for your part in creating this intimate space we share, your trust and your dedication to the work. It’s an interesting question, who would Lindsay be without the abuse? I feel our work hasn’t lessened the trauma as such but provided growth around it and a better space for holding. It HAS been an amazing journey, your continuous courage and insights are wonderful to witness.
Yes that is an interesting question. I am sure if I had never been raped or sexually abused I would have gone on and had other wonderful experiences. But that didn’t happen. I was raped (3 times) and sexually abused a few times. I will not thank those men for what they did to me, even if it resulted in me finding my way to your door. I will thank you though for co-creating these intimate spaces with me, for allowing me to place my trust in you and making those intimate spaces safe for me to come and “expose my shame” to you and to be heard, most important. I don’t know how vulnerable you feel when you enter those intimate spaces with me but, if so, then I thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable with me. Your right the work doesn’t lessen the trauma but it has provided growth around it. In my recent aboriginal spirit dream, I pondered the question: should I forgive my rapists and move on? Don’t get me wrong I am not sitting here seething with hatred for them. But I sometimes wonder when I seethe with anger over some recent event, how much of that is connected to my past? Is there some part of me still hooked into those incidents. Meanwhile there is another dream to explore. Whilst I was typing it out I had another call from Tunstall Healthcare, my mother has had another fall. So I had better check on her in the morning before I commit to time. Cheers I will be in touch.
Sorry Lindsay, I have just seen this reply. It’s a privilege to hold space and be vulnerable with you and I feel we are moving slowly enough through the depths for us both to feel safe in exploring what surfaces. It’s good to be angry about your sexual abuse and I would question where the need for forgiveness arises from. Is it a genuine wish or is it something that you feel you ‘should’ be doing? The aboriginal spirit dream sounds like a powerful one we haven’t yet explored and might offer some insight here. I’m glad to hear your mum is ok!